Introduction#
This content is not about professional medical, neurological, or psychological topics. Please consult a professional doctor or counselor for any questions related to physical and mental health.
If any reader is a researcher in a related field, I would be honored if this content could serve as your research material. If possible, please leave a comment below and let me know. You can choose to remain anonymous and not leave any personal information.
A Cute Paragraph#
Listen,
The silver-white light brushes against the skin,
The tiny rustling sound brings pleasure and relaxation,
The slowly seeping teardrops are so adorable,
The cool alcohol falls gracefully on the red lines,
The subsequent heat and pain make me intoxicated,
But the coagulation it brings destroys this beauty,
The red and black hard shell makes me nauseous,
I quickly put it under water to rinse,
The original pinkness brings me peace,
Finally,
My mood calms down,
Life goes on,
And I haven't lost yet.
My Experience#
When I realized it, there were already several long red lines on my wrist.
Of course, this wasn't the first time, as there were fainter, less obvious lines next to the fresh red ones.
I know it's not right, and it's not healthy. But only by doing this can I make my state of mind become calm. It's not about feeling pleasure, but just making myself calm enough to not feel so unbearable that I want to die.
I have read some books and literature and have a general understanding of what I am going through.
NSSI#
This behavior has a specific term in psychology called "nonsuicidal self-injury" or NSSI.
I admit, I really enjoy this feeling. I don't like cutting randomly, but carefully plan the "route" and slowly apply pressure with the tip of a knife, sometimes needing to make several cuts to see the red tears. The whole process is painful, but I enjoy this feeling.
I may be too rational. Beforehand, I disinfect the tools and canvas meticulously with alcohol to ensure that there are no accidents. Afterwards, I also disinfect them with a large amount of alcohol to ensure their reusability.
public class DoNSSI
{
private void PrePrepare()
{
// Disinfect
this.Disinfect(ToolsType.Cutter, Tools.HygieneSanitary);
this.Disinfect(ToolsType.Canvas, Tools.HygieneSanitary);
}
private void Processing()
{
this.DoDraw(ToolsType.Cutter, ToolsType.Canvas);
}
private void PostProcessing()
{
// Disinfect
this.Disinfect(ToolsType.Cutter, Tools.HygieneSanitary);
this.Disinfect(ToolsType.Canvas, Tools.HygieneSanitary);
// Wait 1min
this.WaitForSeconds(60);
this.Disinfect(ToolsType.Canvas, Tools.Water);
}
private bool Disinfect(ToolsType type, Tools tool)
{
// ...DoDisinfect for type with tool
return true;
}
private void DoDraw(ToolsType tools, ToolsType canvas)
{
// ...Draw on canvas with tools
}
private void WaitForSeconds(int seconds)
{
// ...WaitForSeconds
}
private enum ToolsType
{
Cutter,
Canvas,
}
private enum Tools
{
HygieneSanitary,
Water,
}
static void Main(string[] args)
{
var nssi = new DoNSSI();
nssi.PrePrepare();
nssi.Processing();
nssi.PostProcessing();
}
}
As a game developer, the first thing that came to my mind was the above program. (Of course, if you can't understand this program, it doesn't matter. The text above already clearly expresses the meaning of the code.)
Just as described in this program, there are two emotions within me when facing this reusable canvas. One is being cautious, and the other is intentionally destroying it. It's about being carefree, but subconsciously, I still hope to maintain reusability. Indulgence in moderation.
Classification#
It's hard to imagine, but this kind of thing can actually be classified.
Based on my observations and summaries, NSSI behavior can be divided into several levels from mild to severe.
- Scratching (epidermis)
- Cutting (dermis)
- Fat layer (yellowish balls)
- Exposing bone
- Piercing
- Cutting and expanding
- Digging holes
- Inserting knives, etc.
- Amputation
- ...
Does it hurt? & Causes#
It hurts, and it doesn't.
Whether it hurts or not varies from person to person and depends on the specific technique used. Some people like to cut quickly, so it may not hurt at that moment. But I prefer to cut slowly, and that process can be very painful.
However, I once read a passage on Twitter (now it should be called X) that was written like this:
Why some people don't feel pain when self-harming
Self-harm causes an excessive release of endorphins/enkephalins in the brain, which alleviates pain. Self-harm patients become dependent on these endorphins and cannot stop.
Among those who repeat self-harming behaviors, many have experienced physical or sexual violence. This is because children who have been repeatedly abused have their endorphin production stimulated to relieve pain, and they become less sensitive to physiological pain stimuli through repetition.
In other words, every time you harm yourself, the brain releases endorphins, which are pentapeptides that regulate the perception of internal harm. These pentapeptides act like anesthetics, and gradually, the person becomes dependent on them, which is commonly known as addiction.
I have no idea why I have become like this, but my first self-harm can be traced back to middle school. At that time, I wrote a word on my canvas, but it wasn't deep, and the marks disappeared completely after a year or two.
Just like what the counseling psychologist wrote, I have also seen people who cut their canvas like a barbecue grill.
Perhaps before painting, I would feel restless due to various reasons, but once I start painting, even if it's just random strokes, my inner self can quickly calm down. Maybe in that moment, I somewhat feel that I have proven my bravery, but I dare not show it to my parents.
Although there are times when I think it would be better if I were dead, my purpose in painting has never been about seeking death, but about wanting to keep living.
My own psychological changes are truly mysterious. Sometimes I really want to die, but other times I am terrified of death. Every time before a trip, after booking the flight and before boarding, I always fantasize about what I would do if the plane crashed, which makes me very scared. But once I'm on the plane, I start to fantasize about how it would be better if the plane crashed so that I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I wonder if it would be better if it disintegrated in the air or crashed due to stall, or if it made an emergency landing on the sea and the plane capsized due to the waves. Since it's all death, it's better to choose a painless one. But then I would lose all the valuable things I carry with me. I wish I had given them all to the people closest to me, so I wouldn't waste them on my burial.
How to NSSI Scientifically#
Don't be curious, for someone who frequently paints, it's impossible to stop!
Many parents of minors confiscate their "tools", but this only leads to counterproductive results. As the saying goes, "When there's a policy, there's a countermeasure." If they take away your brand-new paintbrush, then you'll just have to use an old, rusty, and dull one to paint reluctantly. Of course, the paintbrush is not limited to just a knife. Any sharp object will do! For example, broken glass, the pull tab of a can, a key, or even scissors...
I bet you can't even imagine it!
Please, the harm caused by these actions could be even greater than that caused by a brand-new paintbrush!
Just like Yu the Great's flood control, one-sided "blocking" can solve the problem temporarily, but in the long run, it still needs to be "dredged".
I once saw a resident of Australia (or maybe Canada, I can't remember) share about receiving a so-called "safe self-harm kit" after participating in a mental health event. From the pictures, I saw that it contained rubber bands, wooden frames, and other items. It seems like a good idea.
So, here I want to share some methods for scientifically NSSI.
Please note that I don't want to discuss common psychological advice such as leaving the room, sharing with others, listening to music, reading, etc. These are not within the scope of this article.
Donate Blood#
Donating blood can satisfy most self-harming activities, and it is meaningful for both yourself and others.
First of all, it is safe. The doctors at the blood donation center will carefully disinfect everything.
It can also satisfy the feeling of pain for those who enjoy it. Watching the blood flow out of your body little by little can also be enjoyable.
When the needle for blood collection is inserted into your arm, it can satisfy those who enjoy piercing or digging.
Most importantly, after going through this process, your inner self can become calm.
Tie a Rubber Band on Your Wrist#
If you enjoy pain and painting, a rubber band is a good choice.
When you feel irritated, pull it as far as possible and then let go, allowing the rubber band to snap on your wrist.
Whether it's the crisp sound that follows or the momentary pain, or the red mark left on your wrist and the swelling that occurs after a while, it will definitely satisfy you.
If it's not satisfying enough, you can try snapping it multiple times in the same spot. Watching the shallow subcutaneous bleeding can further increase the satisfaction.
Some Other Methods#
- Pinch yourself
- Hold an ice cube
- Take a cold shower
- Beat pillows and blankets
- Wrap yourself in a blanket and scream
- Eat sour candy
Get a Tattoo#
What I recommend here is not to get a permanent tattoo.
You can go to a tattoo parlor and ask the artist to tattoo any design, but remember to tell them not to use any coloring agents, not to use any coloring agents, not to use any coloring agents!
This way, you can experience the pain and not leave anything behind. Make sure to go to a reputable shop!
Try Body Piercing#
Some shops offer body piercing experiences, so you can give it a try.
The shop will use a needle, such as a disposable syringe needle, to pierce through the skin and create an "artwork" on the other side.
Reputable shops will disinfect properly and explain all the precautions and post-care instructions to you.
Considerations for Painting#
Of course, if someone tells you not to cut your hands starting today, neither you nor I would be able to accept it.
Even if you and I are rational enough to decide to endure it on our own, the chances of success are probably low.
So, let's make an agreement that before and after cutting, we will make the following preparations:
- Thoroughly disinfect your painting tools
- Thoroughly disinfect your canvas
- If conditions allow, find someone you trust, and only paint when they are with you
- If you are used to cutting the dermis, set a restriction for yourself that you can reward yourself with one cut to the dermis only after cutting the epidermis three times in a row. If you are used to cutting the fat layer, restrict yourself to three cuts to the dermis before allowing one cut to the fat layer, and so on.
Some Random Thoughts#
Of course, everyone has different reasons for cutting their hands.
As for myself, it may be because I have depression, or maybe I feel that cutting my hands makes me particularly brave.
It could also be because someone I like does it, and I want to accompany them.
There is also a possibility that, in my impression, most people who do this are female, and after cutting their hands, they wonder if they have become more like a girl in that moment.
In short, my reasons are varied, and I can't even figure out my own psychology.
References#
Seeking an Alternative to Self-Harm? These 7 Strategies Can Help