Once upon a time, I had a moment of doubt about myself.
When I was young, I wouldn't go straight home after elementary school because it was far away and my parents were busy. I would spend my lunch break and after-school time at a small dining table near the school. I don't remember which grade I started going there, maybe first or second grade, because I remember events that happened in third grade, by which time I had already been going to the small dining table for a long time.
Children at that age have simple thoughts, and there is rarely any interaction between boys and girls; they mostly play separately. The aunties at the small dining table also divided the room into two parts, with the girls playing in the inner room and the boys playing in the outer room. However, I can't recall why, but during that time I have a memory of playing every day in the inner room with the girls.
At that time, I didn't feel any discomfort; I often had a great time playing with a very good classmate. Although she often interacted with me through punching and kicking, I clearly knew she didn't mean any harm; it was just her way of expressing herself, and she seemed to really enjoy playing with me. In spring, she would pull me outside to play; in summer, she would share half of her popsicle with me; in autumn, she would take me to dig up tree roots; in winter, when it snowed outside, we would have snowball fights on the way to the small dining table.
However, I didn't realize any of this at the time; I just felt unhappy about being "bullied" by her often, so I would go to the aunties at the small dining table to "tell on her." Every time I complained, the aunties would suggest that I shouldn't play with the girls in the inner room anymore, and that it would be better to play with the boys outside. After following her advice, I found that I couldn't connect with them.
By fifth and sixth grade, perhaps due to my parents' work becoming easier, I stopped going to the small dining table, and as a result, I lost contact with her. It wasn't because something happened; we just didn't exchange contact information, nor did we have the thought of wanting to keep in touch.
I have a cousin who is very close in age to me, the son of my mother's older sister. When we were young, we often met at my grandparents' house, spending almost half of our winter and summer vacations together. I always looked forward to seeing him because he was the only playmate I had.
At that time, during the holidays, the television would broadcast many anime, or what could be called cartoons. I found that my cousin and I had almost completely different tastes. I loved the show "Cardcaptor Sakura," while I had no interest in "Ultraman Tiga," which my cousin was obsessed with. Of course, this might be because I didn't have much interest in special effects films.
One night before bed, I suggested to my cousin, who was lying next to me, that we play role-playing games, letting him act out characters from the cartoons we watched during the day. I chose a character who was willing to sacrifice herself to let others escape, even to the point of being trapped with her hands and not letting her companions come back to save her. I proposed this game without any special reason; I just liked that character's storyline of sacrificing for others.
This period was a time of tacit understanding and fun between my cousin and me. We acted out roles and created our own little world. These memories still make me feel nostalgic and warm.
I really liked an animated show called "Balala the Fairies," and there were many times when I couldn't wait to run to the toy shelf in the supermarket, staring longingly at the transformation toy. I would tirelessly plead with my grandmother to buy me that transformation device.
Whenever I saw the little fairies on TV using their transformation devices, I would be thrilled, imagining that I could also have such magical powers. However, despite my persistent coaxing for several months, my grandmother still didn't agree to buy me that fairy transformation device.
According to the accounts of those around me, one morning when I was in elementary school, I was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom. Out of curiosity, I reached for my mother's cosmetics. I picked up a bottle of powdery substance, but not knowing how to open it, I ended up spilling the entire bottle everywhere, of course, I wasn't spared either.
As a child, I was quite chubby and very heat-sensitive; I spent almost all my summers at my grandmother's house, who often teased that my figure looked like that of a middle-aged woman. Hearing such comments made me very unhappy at the time; I felt different and even a bit inferior. Such words planted a seed in my heart, and for a long time afterward, I was very insecure about my body.
Unknowingly, elementary school ended, and I became a middle school student.
In middle school, during a psychology class, the teacher organized an interactive game. In this game, a few classmates near the seats needed to grab the fingers of their adjacent classmates. Among the four of us, I was the only boy, while the other three were girls, including one girl I really liked at the time.
In the game, while I was being held by the girl I liked, I tried to grab another classmate's fingers. However, that classmate seemed to be uncomfortable with physical contact with me. So, the girl I liked told that classmate not to see me as a boy; she always regarded me as a girl, which made her completely unresistant because that was how she did it.
Hearing this made me a bit unhappy. It wasn't because of being seen as a girl, but rather that the person I liked didn't like me at all, which made me very unhappy.
Later, I went to play at a colleague's hometown with my parents' colleague. That colleague's child seemed to have just started elementary school. I didn't like talking to others and didn't know how to interact with strangers. I was arranged to sit in the back seat of the car with that child. When I saw him aiming a toy gun loaded with bullets at passersby outside the window, I instinctively tried to stop him, which led to the child asking me, "Brother, are you a girl?" This question made everyone in the car burst into laughter. They weren't laughing at me, of course; after all, children speak without filters, and "You called him brother and still asked if he was a girl?" Clearly, it was just the child's words that amused them.
However, it wasn't entirely without consequence. The next morning, for some reason, my mother scolded me for my behavior, implying that the child said I looked like a girl yesterday, and couldn't I behave more like a boy?
Looking back, I really disliked being called feminine in elementary school. But at this point, hearing such comments didn't stir any waves in my heart. Of course, I didn't realize this psychological change at the time.
Upon entering high school, I met two very important people (at least I think so). One was a girl I truly liked, whom I'll refer to as C-chan, and the other was a boy who taught me many things and whom I gradually started to like, whom I'll call Z-kun.
At the beginning of high school, I noticed C-chan; she was often bullied and teased by a boy in our class, whom I'll call S-kun. Coincidentally, S-kun was also a good friend of mine. He became my first friend in high school, especially for someone like me who didn't like to talk; he would accompany me to lunch and would come to find me when he had something to discuss. I was very grateful to him for helping me through the loneliest moments of high school.
Seeing C-chan, who was often bullied by S-kun, for some reason, when I noticed her, I found my gaze often following her figure; I had developed feelings for her.
In the second year, we were separated into different classes; C-chan went to the liberal arts class while I went to the science class. S-kun was also in the same class as me, and I entered a new environment. At first, I still ate lunch with S-kun. Our homeroom teacher from the first year chose me to be the math class representative, which quickly helped me become familiar with everyone in the class.
Gradually, another boy in the class started to actively communicate with me, often asking me questions about studying. We became familiar enough that I decided to call him Y-kun. The other person, Z-kun, had been in the same class as Y-kun since elementary school, so they had known each other for a long time. Through him, I got to know Z-kun. Since we lived not far from each other and there was a university nearby, we often met up on weekend evenings to walk or run.
At this time, under C-chan's recommendation, I began to step into the world of "two-dimensional" culture, and because I experienced its beauty, I started to like this content. During my acquaintance with Z-kun, I heard that he also liked two-dimensional culture, which gave us more common topics to discuss.
One day, at Z-kun's invitation, we went to a comic convention together. This might have been my first time at such an event, though I can't quite remember; let's just consider it my first time. The venue was about a 90-minute walk from our homes, and we chose to walk back. Even though I was already very tired that day, I persisted because I wanted to spend more time chatting with him.
Throughout the journey, we talked a lot, but I played more of a listening role, quietly absorbing the colorful and unknown world he described. I discovered many new things through him, including that before we parted, he promised to send me an installation package for a game he recommended as an introductory game, which introduced me to the term "galgame." The name of that game was "Slave Girl Silvie."
One day, I accidentally came across an image online that led me to discover a certain group. After sharing it with Z-kun, he expressed disinterest and even dislike.
Later on, we happened to sit in front and behind each other, which meant that whether in class or during breaks, I was almost always with Z-kun. During our senior year, because my grades were relatively good, some people approached me, hoping I could help them with problems or share my study methods.
Some people thought my future was promising and wanted to build a good relationship with me in advance. Of course, neither I at that time nor I now would think of doing that, nor could I understand it. I really disliked such opportunists who were eager for quick success, and due to the lack of necessary mutual understanding, I kept my distance from them. The connections with those people faded away after graduating from college.
As I write these words, my memories are pulled back several years, and many images flash through my mind. Some are still vivid, while others seem like clouds, ethereal and fleeting. The real events that happened in these memories are all very important to me, but in this memoir-like article, they can be briefly mentioned. I grew closer to Z-kun, while I drifted further away from Y-kun, who introduced me to Z-kun.
Z-kun's university is not in our hometown, so our communication mainly occurs online. Because we have a good relationship, we contact each other almost daily. Despite this, whenever Z-kun returns during the winter and summer breaks, I always arrange to go out with him. Sometimes we plan to go to certain places during the day, but more often, we just wander aimlessly in the streets in the evenings.
I really enjoy taking him to some remote or deserted places. Every time we reach such a place, I feel a thrill of adventure. However, Z-kun doesn't particularly like these places; in his words, they feel a bit scary due to the lack of streetlights. For me, if I were alone, I would definitely avoid such places because I would also feel scared. Strangely, as long as Z-kun is by my side, it seems like I have the whole world; even getting lost, encountering bad people, or getting hurt doesn't scare me at all.
I began to realize that when I was with Z-kun, my heart was filled with a sense of protectiveness and courage, a courage that is easily dissipated when it comes to protecting something I love. I was willing to face all difficulties and challenges. Gradually, my stamina improved; at first, I would tire out and want to go home first, but later I could easily lead Z-kun on long walks, and when he was exhausted to the point of tears, I could still accompany him home and then happily return to my own home.
At some point, when I went out with Z-kun, I often fantasized about how nice it would be if Z-kun were a girl, or how nice it would be if I were a girl, so we could happily be together. Although my state at that time was actually not much different from being in a relationship, after all, when I went out with Z-kun, his hand would often lightly brush against my body in a lively manner, touching those places that would definitely be uncomfortable for others. Although I knew this was just his way of interacting, from the moment I met Z-kun and started going out with him, this has been his way of interacting with me, and it hasn't changed to this day. At first, I found this behavior very uncomfortable and would constantly block it with my hands. After all, to outsiders, such behavior seems strange; after all, seeing one man touching another while walking down the street would definitely make most people uncomfortable.
In college, without the shackles of high school, I happened to meet a roommate who also liked two-dimensional culture, which gave us more common topics to discuss. For example, the term "cross-dressing," which often appears online, also entered my ears. However, until I graduated from college, my inner self did not undergo significant changes. During this period, I secretly bought a pair of tights on Taobao, but not for cross-dressing; it was purely out of curiosity or perhaps driven by desire. To avoid being discovered by my family, I initially carried it in my backpack, but after a few close calls, I simply locked it in the wardrobe of my dormitory.
During the holidays, I brought this "nonexistent" item back home. When no one was around, I put it on, releasing my desires. Afterwards, I felt particularly guilty and painfully stuffed it into a garbage bag, throwing it directly into the trash downstairs, vowing never to touch it again. About a year later, I broke that vow and, driven by desire, bought this "nonexistent" item again, and after a long time, it met the same fate in the trash can.
After graduating from college, Z-kun started working while I prepared to continue my studies for a master's degree. However, due to various reasons (like COVID-19), I ultimately did not pursue a master's degree and started working six months after graduation. During these six months, I began to browse social media and learned more about the existence of the group I had seen in that image before.
Finally, I mustered the courage to risk being disliked and cut off from Z-kun, explaining my thoughts and feelings to him. I shared my reflections after discovering this group, my past experiences, my desire to become cute, my dislike for my current body, my wish to transform, and even my feelings for Z-kun, similar to how I liked C-chan. I expressed thoughts like how nice it would be if I were a girl so that I could be with Z-kun. At that moment, I was extremely excited but also very scared; it was the first time I exposed my true self to someone else, especially to someone I liked, sharing something that was hard for others to accept. My language was already chaotic, and my mind was overloaded. Even though it was winter, I was sweating profusely.
I knew Z-kun didn't like this topic because he had clearly stated his thoughts on it during our previous conversations. But at that moment, I was forcing him to listen to a friend talk about something he disliked. Unexpectedly, he quietly listened to my incoherent ramblings. After I finished my last sentence, I added, "If you end up hating me because of this, that's okay; I've already prepared myself for being disliked." Although I said this, I was particularly scared inside, praying for a miracle to happen.
A miracle happened.
He listened to everything I said without much surprise. Perhaps he was surprised inside, but at least he appeared calm. Maybe he had already gotten used to it; after all, I often shared whimsical and nonsensical things with him, and my mother often asked when I would grow up. The next day, when I invited him out again, he came out with me as usual. I finally felt relieved that he didn't hate me and was still willing to continue our friendship.
As I started working, my feelings did not dissipate; I often pondered what I truly thought. Looking at the words written by others online, I contemplated whether I really wanted to become a girl, whether I should take this step, as there was no turning back from such things. In the best-case scenario, I could become estranged from everyone, or even leave this world.
After about a year, I seemed to have figured it out. At that time, my mental state wasn't great, and facing an unknown situation made me feel lonely. After seeking Z-kun's opinion, I told my parents everything. This included my doubts about having depression for several years, my feelings for my best friend Z-kun, and how my heart raced when I thought about being with him, wishing I could be a girl. Contrary to my expectations, they didn't scold me; although it was a bit difficult, they tried to accept what I said.
I think I also confirmed one thing: I didn't want to become a girl; I just hated my male characteristics, like that annoying stubble, but I didn't want the developed thymus that women have. I liked cute things and wanted to become cute myself. To that end, I tried taking wild yam root supplements within reasonable doses, and after a while, my body underwent some minor changes, which made me very happy.
I don't like the same sex; I just happen to like someone of the same sex.
I really like this sentence; it describes my inner state. I don't like the same sex; I just happen to like Z-kun, who is of the same sex.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
As the saying goes, I don't want to be defined by others. I dislike the social constraints that come with gender, regardless of which gender it is. I just want to be the person I want to be, and that's enough.
With the support of Z-kun and my family, I began to try to change myself. I started growing my hair long, and my mother supported me, saying I looked very good this way. When we went to visit relatives during the New Year, my mother even helped me style my hair. Many people at my relatives' house said I looked like a girl. I also began to buy those items I particularly liked but had always been afraid to buy, things that seemed to belong only to girls. I bought dolls, although my dad teased me that those were things only girls would play with. However, I had the courage to retort, and my mom also liked the dolls I bought.
Of course, there were things that no one knew about, like how I secretly bought a sailor-style dress that I really, really liked, along with matching items like tights and safety shorts. It wasn't until I returned to my rental apartment and carefully hung the dress in the wardrobe that I finally felt at ease.
On weekends, I would lazily get out of bed, thinking about what I was going to do next, and my heart would fill with excitement and joy. I would step into the bathroom, carefully cleaning every inch of my skin, taking out a new razor and gently gliding it along my skin to remove the unwanted hair. Then I would jump into the bathtub filled with warm water, enjoying the warmth, trying to cleanse the dirt from my body inside and out.
I would take out a brand new towel, wrap it around my body to dry off. Standing in front of the mirror, I would take out a hairdryer and carefully style my damp hair. After a long time, my hair would finally be dry. I would grab a comb and hair tie to create a cute hairstyle, toss the towel into the washing machine, and quickly run back to my room, putting on clean underwear and turning on the air conditioning.
Then, I would take out that "nonexistent" dress from the wardrobe, gently unfold it. The dress bloomed like a delicate flower. When I clumsily put on this outfit that didn't belong to me, it felt like a switch was triggered inside me, and an indescribable feeling burst forth in my body. When the hem of the dress brushed against my legs, I felt a softness and delicacy, as if the whole world had become light. I couldn't help but spin around, the hem of the dress fluttering like a butterfly, my feet dancing to the rhythm on the floor. At that moment, I felt like a graceful angel dancing.
If Z-kun were by my side, he might see such a scene:
She lifts her head, smiling, her eyes filled with joy and surprise. She reaches out her hands to gently touch the lace on the hem of the dress, feeling its delicate texture, and she laughs with delight. She gathers the hem of the dress in her hands, as if holding a bouquet of colorful balloons, her eyes sparkling with endless joy. She takes small steps, the dress swaying gently with her movements, exuding a charming fragrance. Running to the mirror, she carefully examines herself, looking at the "little girl" in the mirror wearing the dress, joyfully spreading her arms like a free little bird, feeling the novelty and beauty. The "little girl" dances freely in the room, joy filling the entire space, grabbing the hem of the dress and spinning towards the ceiling, her laughter echoing in every corner of the room. Her steps are light and confident, her eyes filled with endless happiness. The first time the "little girl" wears a dress, it feels like discovering a miraculous treasure. Her face beams with a joyful smile, and her eyes shine with the spark of dreams. She embraces this novelty and surprise, along with the freedom that the dress brings, feeling like the center of the world, dancing to her unique melody.
Perhaps at that moment, I was gradually accepting my appearance; perhaps my image wasn't so bad after all.
Seeing this version of myself, I skillfully opened the B612 app, which I had long forgotten when I installed it, and began to take selfies. I posed in various ways, took many photos, selected some that I was very satisfied with, and saved them in a hidden album for permanent collection.
Slowly, I began to be dissatisfied with these rigid selfies and started learning selfie tutorials online. After watching some tutorials, I discovered that those little tips were surprisingly simple, and using them could elevate the quality and appeal of my photos.
Before long, thanks to the recommendation algorithm, I was fortunate to come across a video by the content creator Zhu Mo Mo. Upon seeing his ideas and image, my first reaction was that I wanted to set him as my goal. Although it is said not to imitate others, having a goal to strive for is still necessary. After watching his videos, I suddenly realized that I should start taking care of my skin; after all, for so many years, I had never used facial cleanser, and even bathing was just a combination of soap and shampoo.
I also began to try buying clothes and putting together outfits. I didn't like a very masculine look, so I chose styles that were unisex as much as possible. Perhaps because I learned a lot about outfit ideas while studying selfie techniques online. Recently, when I went out hiking, even though it was my first time coordinating my style, I still looked very good in the photos.
Now, I have learned to love myself, accept my body, and face my appearance and image with a positive attitude.
Now, I no longer doubt. Because on that day, the angel in my heart was finally liberated.